Prayers for Bobby

We have finally finished strict musical rehearsals.  With the full read through last week (which I was sad to miss 'cause of work), we move on to blocking and truly beginning to tell the story.  So, I decided to give the show a full listen through to get myself set.  This time through was different, though.

At the first rehearsal, Scott mentioned that there were some books to read to help give a good background.  I picked up Prayers for Bobby, and have now finished the book.  For me, it has cast a whole new light on the show.  So, to preface, Bobby Griffith was an all-American boy...and he was gay. The resulting conflict, with help from the rejection of his family and religion, proved insoluble and he took his own life, throwing himself off a bridge into the path of an approaching semi.  Among the things he left behind, his diaries, covering the better portion of his last 5 years revealing his self-hating "other" side.  Religion, instigated and enforced by his mother, led to some vast divides in Bobby's sense of self and his ability to see himself in any sort of positive light:

"I am evil and wicked. I want to spit vulgarities at everyone I see. I am dirt, harmful bacteria grows inside me...I was innocent, trusting, loving.  The world has raped me till my insides are shredding and bleeding.  My voice is small and unheard, unnoticed. Damned. 


Gentle springtime weather surrounds me, but a fierce unrelenting storm rages within .... I wish I could crawl under a rock and sleep for the rest of time."


He was unable to take refuge in his family as all were disapproving.  His prayers asking his god to fix him were not working.  His feelings of inadequacy left him guarded and unwilling to open up to those who might have had a chance to help him.  He was abandoned, frightened, alone.

Now, this book is also about his mother's coming to grips with his death and her eventual transformation from one who was praying to "heal" him to national gay rights activist, but I think we will leave that alone for now.  This reading now accentuated the blind religious following, the true ignorance and often times stupidity of the people involved, and the deep unrelenting fear present in Jason (in Bare... duh).  The parallels between Jason and Bobby are striking; their reality to the boys so painful.

The most startling realization comes with knowing the root of all of these problems: the simple thought that being gay is wrong, that no one would love him as he was.  Instead of being able to think that this might ever be acceptable, Bobby is forced to think that his most primal of feelings is unclean and unnatural, something that needed to be fixed.  (This is also the simple thought that must be overturned in the mother's mind, being the first step toward atonement.)  The expression of love from his family is in an effort to cure him.  This warps his view of any positive experiences that he has and makes him feel guilty for exploring his sexuality in healthy (..and sometimes, unhealthy) ways.  Any time he would get close to someone he pulled back for fear of what may come of it.

Fear in the driver's seat, blind decisions are made, which all by themselves may not lead to much, but when summed together, take a tragic toll.

Strong stuff here.  I'm all sorts of excited to bring this to life.